I played all the way through My Horse Prince so you don’t have to

My Horse Prince is a Japanese mobile choose-your-own-adventure romance game, in which a girl falls in love…with a horse…who has the face of a cute human boy.

The horse-boy’s name is Yuuma, and he’s super dreamy, and it makes your character question everything about life, love and attraction. She thinks his face is cute, but is weirded out initially that the rest of him is a horse. Also, no one else can hear him talk, and I assume everyone else just thinks he looks like a normal horse.

I named the main character “Yeticlimax”, because I just happened to be playing Words With Friends the day before, and tried playing that word and thought it was funny.

Right off the bat, you’re given tasks to get him to do. At first, it’s regular horse stuff, like having him eat a bunch of carrots, and then it starts getting really bizarre really quickly. Yuuma offers to cook for you, and to do that, he has to chop onions. Like, about a million of them. Tap on the onions, he enthusiastically chops the onions, you keep repeating that over and over until the pink bar at the top is full, and you’re greeted with another ridiculous cut scene. The task to reward ratio here is really low. You want to keep the story going, you’re hoping that maybe things are going to get really weird (horse sex, even though you know deep down, it’s not actually going to happen, but it’s like a trainwreck), so you just keep tapping on onions.

And another overtly sexual cut scene. This is what you’re waiting for in all of these romance games. Answer questions, hurt some feelings, do some highly repetitive task that you can’t actually lose, just so you can get to the next sexy cut scene.

And now, Yuuma is fixing potholes in the road, because for no reason whatsoever. Just keep tapping the water spouts and stroking his ego by telling him what an amazing job he’s doing and how much you think he’s awesome, and how cute his eyes are (tee hee!).

“I’m totally worn out by all this manual labor. Now it’s time for me to relax and flex, while I pretend to smoke a cigarette and drink this canned coffee. So smooth.”

“What!?!”
This game doesn’t even try to pretend that it makes any sense. Yes, now we’re at the beach.

Cuz he’s super cool. Look at him! Keep tapping on the waves so he can do surfboard tricks! See that little doodle of a man in the bottom right? That’s the horse trainer. Back to him later.

And more flirty questions. For each question, you get three options. One answer is super good, which will restore a lot of his energy, one option is not bad/kinda good, which will restore a little bit of his energy, and one is totally wrong, and he’ll lose energy. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of reason for each one. Yuuma is a moody, pouty, idiotic horse-person. Sometimes he thinks you’re cute, sometimes he thinks you’re being pushy, sometimes he loves it when you’re acting vulnerable, sometimes he thinks you don’t think enough of him. He’s really a horrible date, for so many reasons.

But when you do invariably give the wrong, soul-shattering answer that makes Yuuma give you his cute super sad face, the trainer guy pops up, dressed as an angel, giving you the super generous offer to watch a 30 second ad and you can try again for free. What a guy.

Finally, horse stuff! There’s the jockey, who looks exactly like the trainer, but is not the trainer. Tap on those hazard signs to keep Yuuma running. Each stage is longer than the next, meaning that it takes more taps and more time to complete it. I was able to do about one a day, if you’re spending a 2-3 hours a day. In actuality, this damn horse would be about 3 marathon lengths, and this is only the first one.

He won! How surprising!

And now, Yuuma is a rock star. Because of course.

Here’s the thing. You tap on mics, Yuuma spins and dances and riffs on the guitar. You have to do this for most of a day, on and off in your spare time.

You win, you get this thing, with Yuuma singing your name into the mic like a badass and *swoon*.

In between chapters, you get these little introductions to the next chapter. If this doesn’t make sense so far, you haven’t noticed that not a damn thing in this game makes sense. And that’s okay. Here we go.

You’re walking through town, a dirty punk guy jumps out and starts harassing you. If only there was a cute faced horse boy/man here to save me!

Yaaargh!

Whenever Yeticlimax is in trouble, call the sweet horse-man.

This horse knows all the right things to say.

“Lick my horse ass!”

And now, there’s the rival. I guess he had something to do with the street punk, I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter.

As boy-faced horses do.

Only here’s the twist…the weirdly sketched jockey guy couldn’t do it, so it’s time for you to woman up and ride your horse boy all the way to the finish line. Remember that last race? This one is now twice as long. I think he’s racing the rival one a track that spans most of continental Asia.

Yay, we did it! #teamyuuma

Yes, you’re technically you’re Yuuma’s owner. Because he’s a horse. But he wants to give you more.

So he’s going to knit you a sweater big enough for the both of you. And in order to do that, he has to shear about a billion god damn sheep.

Cute.

Aaaaand now, we’re going skiiing. At this point, I had put a lot of hours into this game. See that translucent horseshoe in the upper right hand corner? I caved, and bought the golden horseshoe for…I don’t remember, a few bucks. This basically halves the time that each task takes by giving you more points per thing you tap on. I don’t regret buying it, because at this point, I just want to get to the lame ending. You’ve come this far with me, we’re almost done.

Good question. After this, there’s a blizzard, Yeticlimax ends up having to retreat to a cabin, where Yuuma has to go and find her.

No! Who cares! Here’s your winning money shot…

HORSE CUDDLES!

G’NIGHT!