A few days ago, North Korea released the above photo of Kim Jong Un sitting at a high tech North Korean “supercomputer” encased in Soviet military green metal. Also, check out that badass trackball. Serious business.
South Korea confirmed that Kim Jong Un’s wife, Ri Sol-Ju did give birth to Kim Jong Baby late last year, but did so in secret and without any fanfare, most likely because the child is a girl. Being a girl, Kim Jong Etc wouldn’t inherit the dictatorship, so they were like “Eh, whatever”.
This week, Dennis Rodman and the Harlem Globetrotters are in North Korea just because ya know… play basketball and shit. While Rodman was in Best Korea, he struck up an unlikely friendship with Kim Jong Un, saying that Un “has a friend for life” in the former NBA star.
This morning, it was confirmed that North Korean had gone ahead with a third underground nuclear test, even as North Korea’s closest allies have advised against it. North Korea isn’t anywhere close to being able to threaten the US with nuclear weapons, but this test showed a jump in sophistication, with a device almost small enough to fit on a missile.
Today is Awesome Leader Kim Jong Un’s birthday, so to celebrate, the North Korean ruler sent one kilogram (2.2 lbs) of candy to every child in the country. Because that’s much better than real food. Whatever… beach party all the time in Best Korea!
Everyone was all excited to hear that Kate Middleton is pregnant, but what is she, a duchess? Please. Kim Jong Un’s new wife, Ri Sol Ju is supposedly pregnant as well, but with the best divine baby on Earth. With this news, what kind of crazy origin story should the North Korean government come up with for the new baby Kim?
Maybe it came out of the divine vagina on a Pegasus and the afterbirth turned into doves as the child descended to Earth on a rainbow or something.
Last year, 4chan voters/hackers rigged the vote for Time’s Influential Person of the Year, putting 4chan founder “moot” on top and spelling out the phrase “MARBLECAKE ALSO THE GAME” with the first letters of the names of the choices. This year, they put North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in the number one spot, using the rest of the names to spell out “KJU GASCHAMBER”.
While the official ‘Person of the Year’ honor is an editorial one on the part of Time Magazine, for the last couple years they’ve been running an end of the year online poll to see who their readers think should be Person of the Year. And for the last couple years, 4chan has flexed their online influence to push the voting to their liking. And this year, they like Kim John Un. And who doesn’t, what with that gorgeous hair?
Once again, a Chinese newspaper got duped by The Onion, after The Onion ran an article calling North Korean supreme ultimate awesome leader Kim Jong Un “The Sexiest Man Alive”. The Chinese paper thought this was real, and ran a story congratulating the young North Korean dictator on being recognized by the West on his obvious sexiness.
Even though some have said that the new North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un would be less harsh than his father, it hasn’t entirely played out that way. When the younger Kim came into office, in order to consolidate his power, he had quite a few high ranking officials executed, including one poor bastard who was executed by mortar round so that not a scrap of his body would be left.
After North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had been frequently spotted with a lady friend, there was speculation that it was singer Hyon Song-wol, also known as “Excellent Horse Lady”. But today, North Korean media reported that Un got hitched to Ri Sol Ju… at some point.