When you’re one of the poorest nations on Earth, but you need lots of money to spend on all military brass and polish, but you have nothing of real value, what do you do? Make meth. 98% pure crystal meth, and lots of it. So much of it, that the government encourages people to smoke it every day because they’ve got so much of it, and it’s pretty much the only thing that’s keeping the nation afloat at all. Had Breaking Bad not ended like it had, and Walter White wanted more than just the North American meth market, one more season and he could have been going toe-to-toe with the North Korean government. That would have been fun.
A few days ago, North Korea released the above photo of Kim Jong Un sitting at a high tech North Korean “supercomputer” encased in Soviet military green metal. Also, check out that badass trackball. Serious business.
South Korea confirmed that Kim Jong Un’s wife, Ri Sol-Ju did give birth to Kim Jong Baby late last year, but did so in secret and without any fanfare, most likely because the child is a girl. Being a girl, Kim Jong Etc wouldn’t inherit the dictatorship, so they were like “Eh, whatever”.
This week, Dennis Rodman and the Harlem Globetrotters are in North Korea just because ya know… play basketball and shit. While Rodman was in Best Korea, he struck up an unlikely friendship with Kim Jong Un, saying that Un “has a friend for life” in the former NBA star.
This morning, it was confirmed that North Korean had gone ahead with a third underground nuclear test, even as North Korea’s closest allies have advised against it. North Korea isn’t anywhere close to being able to threaten the US with nuclear weapons, but this test showed a jump in sophistication, with a device almost small enough to fit on a missile.
Today is Awesome Leader Kim Jong Un’s birthday, so to celebrate, the North Korean ruler sent one kilogram (2.2 lbs) of candy to every child in the country. Because that’s much better than real food. Whatever… beach party all the time in Best Korea!
Everyone was all excited to hear that Kate Middleton is pregnant, but what is she, a duchess? Please. Kim Jong Un’s new wife, Ri Sol Ju is supposedly pregnant as well, but with the best divine baby on Earth. With this news, what kind of crazy origin story should the North Korean government come up with for the new baby Kim?
Maybe it came out of the divine vagina on a Pegasus and the afterbirth turned into doves as the child descended to Earth on a rainbow or something.
Last year, 4chan voters/hackers rigged the vote for Time’s Influential Person of the Year, putting 4chan founder “moot” on top and spelling out the phrase “MARBLECAKE ALSO THE GAME” with the first letters of the names of the choices. This year, they put North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in the number one spot, using the rest of the names to spell out “KJU GASCHAMBER”.