Even though this does not affect me in any way, my day just got way betterer.
Justin Bieber announces he’s retiring, and lo the angels sang, and it was the greatest Christmas present of all
On Twitter earlier today, Justin Bieber told the world he was retiring from music, and thus the wailing of ten million tweens was heard across the internet, and it was good.
Justin Bieber tweeted today that he and his manager Scooter Braun will be going into space aboard Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic suborbital plane. Yes, it is a round trip. Fuck.
While touring Europe, Justin Bieber stopped at the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam, and when he signed the visitor’s book, he mentioned that he thinks Anne Frank would have been a big Bieber fan, that is, if she weren’t blind and deaf.
Finally, it looks like I can say I’m proud of my home state of New Mexico. Two men were arrested yesterday after authorities discovered their complicated plot to kill Justin Bieber, thus delivering the first blow in the global war on crappy Canadian pop music.
Anonymous 4chan trolls struck at Bieber fans recently, spreading a rumor across the internet, backed up only with faked screenshots of tweets from Entertainment Tonight and Justin Bieber, that the singer had cancer and the cool thing to do would be to shave your head to show solidarity.