As the world’s eyes are on the Vatican, waiting to hear who will be the next Pope, the Vatican has been embarrassed again when it was made known that Europe’s largest gay sauna is on the bottom floor of a building that also houses priests living and working in the Holy See. Of cock. The Vatican has feigned surprise at this revelation.
While Pope Benedict and the Vatican say that the Pope’s sudden announcement of resignation came because of health concerns, another story is starting to circulate that he resigned because he’s facing arrest from some unnamed European government on behalf of the International Tribunal Into Crimes Against Church and State over Benedict’s long-time handling and cover-up of systemic child abuse within the Catholic Church.
With Benedict retiring at the end of this month, cardinals at the Vatican will be tasked with appointing a new pontiff. Among the main contenders are two Africans, an Italian and a Canadian. With many Catholics now living in developing countries, it might finally be time to appoint a non-European Pope for the first time ever.
This morning, Pope Benedict XVI said he would be resigning at the end of February, saying he’s too damn old. This makes him the first Pope in over 400 years to step down while he’s still alive. So now the big question is… who would you pick to replace him?
It sounds like a joke, but it’s not… it’s a serious issue the Vatican had to consider when Pope Benedict recently became the first Pope ever to join Twitter, though Leo X did have a MySpace profile. Normally, it’s Church rules that when the pope speaks publicly, it becomes official Church doctrine. In this case, they have said his tweets will not… so I guess that gives Benedict the power to talk all the crazy shit he want.
When photos of Spanish priest Andrés García Torres half naked with a young male Cuban man began making rounds through the Catholic Church, Torres was devastated with the accusations that he was gay. In order to counter these accusations, Torres wants to go to the Vatican to have his asshole measured to prove that it’s never been breached by a young Cuban cock.
“Rise my anonymous minions!”
Wait, wasn’t it… yes it was… just last week, the Vatican issued a statement saying that the internet was turning everyone into Satanists. And now they’re saying that hackers should be praised. Why does anyone care what an ancient ex-Nazi in a funny hat says anyway? It’s obvious that he’s going senile.