Sasquatch DNA analyzed, seems to be an unknown hominid species

Whenever someone claims to have found Bigfoot or any part of him, the question of DNA evidence always comes up. Well now, a lab in Texas says they’ve analyzed DNA from from supposed Bigfoot hair has yielded surprising results— it’s not human, but it’s not human. I WANT TO BELIEVE.
Did something like Bigfoot ever exist?

Whether you call it Bigfoot or Sasquatch, scientifically, such creatures don’t exist. There has been no evidence and no real proof that giant ape-like creatures are roaming the mountains of the Pacific NW or the Himalayas. But once, something like that did exist. Kinda.
So this is the irrefutable proof of yetis in Siberia?

Several weeks ago, we told you about how a group of Russian yeti hunters claim they found “irrefutable evidence” of the existence of yetis in Siberia. And this is that evidence. A nest, a rough “footprint” and some trees bent over.
Russian yeti hunters say they have indisputable proof that yetis exist

According to a group of Russian yeti hunters, they’ve gathered “indisputable” proof that yetis are real and live in the mountains of Siberia. This proof has supposedly been sent to an independent lab for verification, but everyone knows that yetis actually live on the sun.
Bigfoot spotted strutting across the surface of the Sun
Wow, this sasquatch conspiracy is way bigger than anyone ever imagined. May I be the first to bow down to our new plasma bigfoot overlords.
Fuck Yeah America: “Teddy Roosevelt vs Bigfoot” by Sharpwriter
NC Hillbilly Swears He Encountered A Bigfoot With “Beautiful Hair”

Tim Wheeler from Cleveland County, North Carolina (which is about as far into the moutainy boonies as you can get in NC) claims to have encountered a sasquatch with six fingers and “beautiful hair”.

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