Sasquatch DNA analyzed, seems to be an unknown hominid species

Whenever someone claims to have found Bigfoot or any part of him, the question of DNA evidence always comes up. Well now, a lab in Texas says they’ve analyzed DNA from from supposed Bigfoot hair has yielded surprising results— it’s not human, but it’s not human. I WANT TO BELIEVE.
Being that the general population accepts that Bigfoot isn’t real, it may come as a bit of a surprise to most of us that Ketchum and her team obtained three samples of different Sasquatch DNA which underwent intense genetics, forensics, imaging and pathology screening. The study has not yet been released as it is currently under peer review, so feel free to add the word “allegedly” as you see fit. According to the official press release from Dr. Ketchum, the samples revealed a novel species that is clearly related to humans, which probably branched from homo sapiens around 15,000 years ago:
Our study has sequenced 20 whole mitochondrial genomes and utilized next generation sequencing to obtain 3 whole nuclear genomes from purported Sasquatch samples. The genome sequencing shows that Sasquatch mtDNA is identical to modern Homo sapiens, but Sasquatch nuDNA is a novel, unknown hominin related to Homo sapiens and other primate species.
What is certain is that the other hominid species is not Neanderthal or Denisovan, two early human relatives that are though to have interbred with modern humans. Which is great, because that would really mess up the 15,000-year timescale Ketchum’s team has estimated.
I hate to be overly skeptical since the team aren’t exactly noobs — Dr. Melba S. Ketchum is the director of DNA Diagnostics, a human and animal DNA mapping facility in operation since 1985. Previously, she was a veterinarian. That said, the lack of confirmed Sasquatch sightings and physical samples suggest that Bigfoot does not actually exist.
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