On the Flint, Michigan Craigslist site, some guy is selling a script for a remake of Roadhouse he wrote that would theoretically star TV chef Guy Fieri in the Patrick Swayze role. Because that’s the obvious choice.
The official name for this film would be ‘Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don’t Hurt’, which is just catchy as hell if you ask me.
Here are some excerpts:
CAPTAIN KARL: Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it’s a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).
GUY COOLER: Yeah, it’s so money. Thanks for lettin’ me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.
CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.
GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the “Cheetos on anything for an extra $1″ idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.
GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)
Oriental Mafia, Cheetos, a badass handshake and BABES? Whoa.
(Some idiot named “Tino” walks out from behind Doug. He’s a real piece of trash. Probably couldn’t even do 10 ‘shups. Guy Cooler tries not to fight him ’cause that’s his code, but in the end, he has to crush his face in like a thousand times ’cause he had no choice. It’s sad, but it happens right when Van Halen is rockin’ “Somebody Get Me A Doctor” so it’s actually one of the coolest things that’s ever happened.)
DOUG CARLSON: You just smashed up the toughest guy in my crew! You’ll pay for this!
(Van Halen is still rockin’. But now it’s “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.”)
CAPTAIN KARL: I’d hit the bricks if I were you. Unless you wanna have a pose down, bad boy style.
(Captain Karl rips his shirt off. You can tell he’s been workin’ out and eatin’ right just in case he has to get it on.)
DOUG CARLSON (shaking in his shoes): Tino! You pile of garbage! Get off the floor and stop bleedin’. Let’s get outta here. Karl, I’ll see you again. And Guy Cooler, you better watch your back.
GUY COOLER: ‘Nah, I think I’ll let my main man Captain Karl watch it for me.
CAPTAIN KARL: Guy code. (winks)
TOTAL GUY CODE. I want this script.
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