IHC Game Reviews: Evil Genius

This is going to be old news for true game aficionados, but Evil Genius is one of the best games ever made, and notably cost effective too. I got my copy off gog.com for $7, and it came with the pre-order bonus material like Colonel Blackheart, unlike Steam, which banned my account, those fuckers, but that’s a tale for another day. The fact that a sequel to Evil Genius has not been made is a crime against humanity. As in, no hyperbole here, it’s an actual war crime to deprive us of an updated version of this masterpiece. The Khmer Rouge and PLO would be proud.

The concept is straightforward. Think James Bond, but from the perspective of the weirdo with the cat. You pick one of three (sigh) criminal masterminds and build a subterranean lair, complete with specialty rooms such as an inner sanctum, barracks, and eventually a doomsday rocket silo. Finish the first level of the game, and you advance to a larger construction area inside an island volcano; and if this transitionary phase isn’t one of the coolest gaming experiences of your life since Skool Daze (for the Commie-64, kids), you seriously ought to simplify your pleasures.

Part of the trick of the game is designing a labyrinth around your outside entrance, peppered with fiendish traps to keep the Forces of Justice out.

Regarding said traps, may I recommend the Evangeline Lilly (a.k.a. the hottest ho on the island). This consists of a motion-detector activated flamethrower linked to a fan to blow the good guys into the kill box. Mount four of these in a four-way intersection, throw in some death bees, and you’ve got yourself a Quad Lilly.

Seriously, this game is amazing and you should get it. And please, PLEASE, if You exist, merciful God that thwarts me at every turn, have them make a sequel ASAP before I get lung cancer or hit by a bus.