10 roles Michael Cera should take to break out of his typecasting funk

Okay, so I like Michael Cera. I think he’s a decent actor and a funny guy, it’s just that… it’s just that he keeps taking pretty much the same role over and over and over again. I think at this point, people are just writing movies with him in mind because they know he’ll take it. C’mon Cera, you can do better. Branch out— you can’t keep playing the same slacker teenager forever.

So Michael Cera, if you’re listening, I’m here to help you out. Here’s 10 roles you should seriously consider taking sooner than later before you end up as “that guy that played that goofy slacker kid” on VH1’s “I Loved the 2010s” years down the road. Also, I apologize for the shitty quality of some of these photoshops, but there’s only so long that one can keep photoshopping Michael Cera’s face before you just get ill with your own life choices.

Michael Cera the vicious drug lord

This might be a good jumping off point. Hard drugs can turn even boyish faces into monsters, and you wouldn’t have to work out too much and you wouldn’t have to make too many career-altering changes… you just have to act all crazy and wild-eyed and flail your arms around and throw shit across desks. It’s easy peasy.

Michael Cera the hard-boiled cop

Again, this might be a good in-betweener. You could play the good rookie cop gone bad. The one that starts off as the by-the-book guy who went into being a police officer as a service to the community, but when your wife/girlfriend/mom is brutally murdered, you snap and turn into a bloody revenge machine.

Michael Cera the drag queen

There haven’t been any good drag queen movies in a couple decades. In the 90s there was To Wong Foo and Priscilla Queen of the Desert, but not much since then. Michael Cera, before you get all old and rough and wrinkly, you might have your agent look into some heart-wrenching scripts about a drag queens. It could be your Oscar moment— a guy who realizes his love for the drag life against all odds in a dramatic story of finding one’s true self.

Michael Cera the killer cyborg

I know the Terminator franchise is in a bit of a holding pattern right now, but I’m not even saying that you have to be the next T-9900 or whatever. There’s plenty of great sci-fi scripts that pass through Hollywood every year and maybe playing a killer cyborg could be just your thing. Just your way to enter into the world of…

Michael Cera the rock-chested action hero

It may not be the best test of your acting chops, but it is definitely something different. And don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it. If Carrot Top could go from bird chest to creepy ripped bodybuilder, so can you, Michael Cera.

Michael Cera the martial arts master

And once you’re bulked up, jacked full of HGH with veins coming out of your arms and elbows and chin, you’ll be in the perfect spot career-wise to start learning some martial arts. Hell, the world of the white guy martial arts master is a dying breed. Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are both getting on in years… it may be a perfect opening for you to take by storm. But maybe that’s getting ahead of things. Maybe first you should try…

Michael Cera the vampire hunter

Vampires are still big and probably will be for another year or two at least before the next monster movie thing comes around. You could either play a vampire or a vampire hunter— both require a similar physique and they could help to undo some of the goofy faced muscles you’ve acquired over the years so that you can star working on a good, memorable scowl.

Michael Cera the serial killer

Again… serial killer… great choice. Serial killers are often the creepiest when they look unassuming and innocent. Hell, doesn’t even have to be a “serial” killer, just any old psycho killer will do. Think Macauley Culkin in The Good Son or Edward Norton in Primal Fear. 

Michael Cera as the devil

Even if you’re physically unable to make a mean face, why not just let the Hollywood make up geniuses do it for you? Above, I’ve poorly photoshopped your face onto Tim Curry as the devil in Legend, but with Sam Raimi working on a World of Warcraft movie, maybe you can take that as your opportunity to play an evil warlock or dark elf or something.

Michael Cera the despotic dictator

And if all else fails, you can always don a general’s uniform, throw on a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses and a giant mustache and play some evil, despotic dictator. All you have to do is frown and wave your fists around and scream things like “THOSE AMERICANS! THEY’VE RUINED MY PLANS! KILL THE AMERICANS!” And…. scene. And… Oscar. Done.