Several years ago, Marvel started on its quest for world domination by vowing to release one, two or more Marvel superhero movies a year. Seems like a natural progression, since comic books translate pretty well into summer blockbusters. Recently, Hasbro has teamed up with Universal to churn out at least four, though probably more movies based on board games. Yes, fucking board games.

You may have heard something about this, but to give you the heads up, so we don't have to repeat this information, here's a quick roundup of the toy and board game movies on the table for the next year or more, because a quick roundup is all that this deserves.

Monopoly

This one you probably figured was an inevitability at some point, what with the huge amount of Monopoly board game varieties and the annual McDonald's Monopoly game. You've got Mr. Moneybags, some pewter game pieces and a bunch of property. Can you really make a movie about that? Ridley Scott's going to try. Yes, read that again. I said Ridley Scott will be directing the Monopoly movie. I already want to put my head in an oven and never come out again.

Clue

I say "What the hell was wrong with the original Clue movie?" I fucking love that movie. Sure, it was a complete flop and was panned by a lot of people, but those people just don't understand. I don't even want to think about a new Clue movie right now. But it's gonna happen, and it'll be directed by Gore Verbinski.

Battleship

At least Battleship has some action going for it, and I could see a good deal of comic possibilities of a naval war movie in which each side is just guessing randomly where the other is at, but that probably won't be the case. Peter Berg is in talks to direct.

Ouija Board

Even less exciting than the idea of a piece of printed cardboard that supposedly talks to the dead is a movie about said worthless piece of printed cardboard. The studio is billing the project as “a supernatural action-adventure movie” and hints that the plot may involve some of those supposed Ouija board rules that gave you goose bumps back in elementary school: never use it alone, never use it in a graveyard, always say goodbye at the end of a Ouija session. Fan-fuck-tastic.

Stretch Armstrong

Not a board game, just a shitty toy from the 90s, at least Stretch Armstrong is a character that can have an awful story built around him. Like the ability to suck himself off whenever he wants, all while rescuing cats from trees. It's being written by Brian Grazer, who wrote Bruce Almighty and will be out in spring of 2011.

ViewMaster

Yes, a god damn movie about the red retro slideshow toy. Worst framerate in a movie ever. Yeah, that joke's lame, but so is a ViewMaster movie.

Risk

Okay, so at least war and conquering does for a good movie make. But Risk? Maybe. It probably won't be good, but it might be one of the more palatable ones on the list. As if you were drugged and tied to a chair in some terrorist lair and they were showing you this movie for torture, it would take longer for you to finally break down and talk as oppposed to say, a Ouija Board movie.

Candy Land

Toddler kiddie shit. If you watch this movie and you're not doing it just for the benefit of the 4 tabs of acid you just took, I'm never talking to you again.

Magic: The Gathering

I like MTG. I played it in high school and I play it now on the 360. Shit, it's my favorite 360 game to play while I'm scheduling articles for IHC. But that doesn't mean I think it'll be a good movie. At all. The fun with MTG is the incredible artwork on the cards and the strategy. I could give two shits about seeing the storyline behind the elves and the artifacts and dragons. I just want them to kick ass when I need them to.