In a discussion that's both July 4th themed and can also be something that can carry over to any day of the year, we look at the question: If you suddenly were the king of your own independent nation, what would you have as your national anthem?

It's something that most kids at some point and many adults have thought about-- what if I were to just find an unoccupied piece of land, an island in the Pacific somewhere or something and start my own country? There's the issue of a flag, a currency and of course a national anthem. Because one day when you've got someone in the Olympics, you'll want an awesome song playing up there on the podium.

When choosing a national anthem, you'll want to examine several properties:

How awesome is the song generally?

Above everything else, your song has to be awesome, at least to you. It has to get you going every time you hear it. Perhaps there's some foot tapping or booty shaking involved, but it has to encompass the "awe" part of "awesome" as in whenever it comes on, you're all like OH SHIT THAT'S MY SOOOONG.

Example: "In Da Club" by 50 Cent:

Does it convey a sense of pride for your country?

How well does your chosen anthem fit with the personality and the toils of your people? (Assuming you have some.) Does it cause grown men to weep? Would part of the song look good on bumper stickers, hats and T-shirts? When it starts playing, are you all like OH SHIT THAT'S MY COUNTRY!

Example: "America Fuck Yeah" from Team America:

Does it carry any historical significance?

Yeah, I know your country is brand new and doesn't have a whole lot of history, but you've got some. Focus on your struggle for independence and freedom, even if it was just the struggle to find a decent storage shed to hold your secret meetings. Dammit, blood was shed putting up those posters! Tears were shed trying to get together the money for ceremonial beer for everyone!

Example: "The Final Countdown" by Europe

How well does it stand the test of time?

Face it... the song you choose for your national anthem will be heard by many over probably the course of a thousand years. For the rest of your life, as king, every time you enter the room your personal band will play it for you. Whenever you travel on diplomatic missions, they'll play it for you to make you feel at home, so it needs to be something that you don't mind hearing over and over and over and over again FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And you don't want to cause a revolt just because people don't want to hear your damn anthem anymore. That would be embarrassing.

Example: "Freebird" by Lynard Skynard

Would it sound good sung by a small child at a baseball game?

And the final test should be-- how does it sound when it's being mangled almost beyond recognition. Unless you pass laws specifying who can sing your anthem, expect that it's going to be sung by anyone and everyone when they're feeling the slightest bit patriotic, even if they don't have a sliver of musical talent and have the voice of a crow in a vice.

Example: Here's a karaoke video for "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Have your ugliest, most untalented niece or nephew or neighbor sing along and see how it sounds:

There you go! I hope these tips were helpful in choosing your new national anthem as soon as you throw off the chains of your oppressors and form your own nation. Hell, if George Washington and Thomas Jefferson could do it, so can you.

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