Hypermiling is a style of driving where you try to maximize the fuel efficiency of your car as much as possible. Now that gas prices are getting higher, more and more people are becoming interested in the concept. Unfortunately, they aren't just talking about saving gas by slowly accelerating, chosing better routes, etc.

I want a V8 interceptor and a kickass dog, too...

Before I launch into this rant about hypermilers, I'd like to point out a few things. I have no problem with the idea of getting the best gas mileage you can, as long as it doesn't interfere with other drivers or disrupt the flow of traffic. I'm not bothered by people that go slow in the slow lane---that's what it's there for. Faster traffic can can always pass on the left, so no harm done there as far as I'm concerned. Also, I think it's cool that people are finally saying goodbye to gas-guzzling cars and trucks. I've even ordered a Scangauge 2 for my car, which among other things, tells you your instantaneous gas mileage.

In fact, it was my purchase of a Scangauge that led me to CleanMPG.com, one of the forums dedicated to hypermiling. Apparently, demand for the Scangauge has gone through the roof. So, when I did a search on Google to see if other people had been waiting a long time to get an order confirmation from Linear Logic, I found a thread on CleanMPG where people were doing group buys of the Scangauge. While I was there, I decided to look around and find out what hypermiling was really about.

Chicks really dig my high gas mileage...

And boy, it was an eye opening experience. A helpful sticky at the top of their forum described all of the hypermiler's techniques for saving gas. The first few techniques are valid, safe, and effective. If you change your oil on time, keep you car tuned up, clean out trash and unnecessary items, and keep your tires inflated to the proper levels, you can keep your gas mileage as high as possible. After that, things start to go terribly, terribly wrong.

Do you sell hubcaps for a 1972 Ford Pinto? Oh, Mini-Trucker magazine!

First, they suggest inflating your tires to their maximum rated pressure. The little sticker on your driver's side door tells you how your front and rear tires should be inflated. In my car, the front tires are 28 PSI, and the rear tires are 26psi. Automakers come up with these numbers based on the handling of the car, the amount of grip available at certain pressures, and ride comfort. My tires have a maximum rating of 36 PSI. By inflating your tires to the maximum rating, you will in fact get better gas mileage. However, you're getting better gas mileage because there is less rubber touching the road. You are effectively reducing the contact patch of the tire, which is just a fancy term for the amount of rubber contacting the road. This results in less rolling resistance, which makes it easier for your engine to move the car.

However, you are trading off safety for gas mileage. For one thing, the temperature of the tire determines the actual amount of pressure. If you inflate your tires to their maximum rating in the morning, when they are cold, your actual tire pressure could go up several PSI in the late afternoon, when the air and your tires are the hottest. This could result in premature wear, uneven wear, or even a blowout. Also, by reducing your rolling resistance, you are also reducing the effectiveness of braking and steering. In wet conditions with a correctly-inflated set of tires, you lose 15-30% of the traction that you normally have on dry asphalt. With overinflated tires, you have even less traction. All of this for 1-3 extra mpg. But, this is only the beginning...

The only Idle I give a shit about

The next tip is to shut off your engine whenever your car will be idling. This includes stop lights, fast food drivethroughs, etc. This is only a good idea if you like replacing your starter motor and battery every year. A good starter motor should hold out for a few years, but you could easily destroy one in a year. Also, every time you cut off your engine, the oil in your engine begins to drain from the top of the engine, back down to the oil pan. When you first start your car, it may be temporarily starved for oil for the first second or two. This increases friction a bit, and makes the pistons work a bit harder until the oil is flowing properly. If you only start your car twice a day, it's not a huge problem, since your car was probably designed for this. But, if you're stopping and starting your engine car 10-15 times a day, it will seriously accelerate the wear and tear on your engine.

Beyond that, it's also very dangerous. If your car is turned off at a stoplight and you are rear-ended, your power steering and power brakes are going to be practically useless. If you turned the key completely off, your steering wheel will be locked. You're just along for the ride. And, what if your car decides that it isn't going to start again? You're either blocking a lane of traffic, or you're stuck in a drivethrough. It's a lot of trouble to go through to save a little bit of fuel. But, people assume that since hybrid cars do it automatically, it's cool to do it manually. Hybrids have tiny engines, and they use special high-speed starters that get the engine close to its idling speed before turning on the ignition. They're built for the extra wear and tear. More importantly, your steering and brakes don't take a vacation when the gas engine cuts off in a hybrid.

More great driving tips from IHeartChaos.com

They also suggest turning your engine off while you're coasting downhill. This is just plain stupid and dangerous, for most of the reasons I outlined above. In a perfect world where your could always predict what was going to happen in front of you, this would be fine. You definitely don't want to be rolling down the road with no power brakes when a car in front of you has a blowout and loses control. They continue on with more advanced techniques, where you accelerate up to the speed limit, shut of the engine until the car starts to slow down significantly, restart the engine, and accelerate again. At this point, your average hypermiler is spending more time thinking about gas mileage and saving money than the safety of themselves, their passengers, or the people around them.

The only Mustang that gets good gas mileage

I've seen some of these techniques used by hypermilers in my area. They refuse to use their brakes, since using your brakes wastes forward momentum by turning it into heat. So instead, they try to keep their car rolling at stop lights by coasting for very long distances. They accelerate as slowly as possible, to keep their gas usage low. They drive down the interstate at 62mph in their Priuses, because any higher than 62mph makes their MPG gauge on the instrument panel read 59.9mph instead of 60mpg. And they seem oblivious to how rude some of this behavior can be. When you're stuck behind someone who is pulsing the throttle, driving at inconsistent speeds, and coasting towards stopslights, it will begin to make you angry. Here is a person that is so concerned about themselves that they are going to slow down others. Most of these hypermilers don't mind slowing down traffic, because "it's saving gas for everyone". I disagree.

Get out of the left lane, dickweed! I'm late for my gangbang!

After 5-10 minutes of being stuck behind a hypermiler, the first thing I want to do is floor it to get past them at the first opportunity. All that gas that they were trying to save is being burnt up by people flooring it to pass them. When you look at net gas usage versus the hypermiler's personal gas usage, they are offloading their gas usage on the rest of the public. It doesn't seem to phase them that they are pissing people off in droves, since they are seeing all the benefits why we have to suffer behind people that can't reach the speed limit. Another example of parasitic energy harvesting is their technique for drafting large trucks on the interstate.

I'm buying a dress and moving to Canada...

For those who are unfamiliar, drafting is an idea that is common in the racing world. When a large truck is moving, it cuts through the air in front of it, creating a bit of a "vacuum" behind it. If you drive very close to the back of an 18 wheeler, your car enters into this "vacuum", reducing the aerodynamic drag on your car. The upshot for you is that your engine doesn't have to work as hard to push you along, and you get increased gas mileage. But, you never get anything for free. You have now extended this lower pressure area all the way to the back of your car. All of the sudden, the truck you are drafting has to work harder to maintain the same speed. The gas you are saving is really just being burned by the truck in front of you. And if you're driving a a gas powered car and the truck in front of you is burning diesel, it's possibly adding a bit more pollution to the air.

OM NOM NOM...I'm eating UR diesel

In the end, the truck driver pays for the gas that you save, and that extra cost eventually gets passed along to the rest of us in the form of price hikes for food and merchandise. Plus, to get any real benefit, you have to be a few feet behind the truck, in a position where you can't stop quickly, and your entire view is taken up by the trailer of the truck. In any car, you would be dogmeat in a wreck. In a small car like a Prius, they going to have to mop you up and pour you into a bucket. At this point, I start to think that they can't come up with anything more dangerous. Then, they suggest this technique:

Drive closer to the killzone for extra bonus mileage points!!!

This is not drafting. This is driving in a semi's blindspot. You might as well paint a bullseye on your ass. Also, to do this, you must speed match the truck. So, you're hanging out in the left passing lane, going slightly slower than a semi truck full of toys from China or latex dildos. You are truly asking for trouble, and you should expect to anger many, many people.

Why can't everyone drive slow like meeeee?

If you think I might be going a bit hard on these guys, then you really must read the Jerk of the Day section of their forum. It is mostly a lot of smug whining about people in SUVS who have offended them in some way. In one case, a woman was sitting in her car with the engine idling while she was waiting for someone at a hotel. Oh, THE HORROR! You mean, a human being wanted to sit in a car at a comfortable temperature? Blasphemy! Remember, an idling car is getting 0 mpg! Plus, as if these douchebags weren't spending enough time ignoring traffic or road conditions as they squeeze every last drop of gas from their engine's unwilling anus, they still have time to grab their cameraphones and take pictures and videos of "jerks" that have pissed them off. So, I'll end this rant with the following photograph, which sums up my point.

I'm a douchebag! He's a douchebag! Woudln't you like to be a douchebag too?"

You see, these two people, who obviously have different views on gas consumption, have one glaring thing in common. They're both assholes. When the Hummer douchebags and the hypermiler douchebags realize this, the world will be a better place.

If you would like to see the full list of hypermiler techniques, along with all of the assorted incomprehensible acronyms and goofiness, go here.