Obama releases birth certificate, we release his astrological chart [Politics Suck]

We’re a little late on this, since it was about a week and a half ago that Barack Obama made his birth certificate public to head off rumors that were beginning to swirl about in the conservative blogosphere that he wasn’t being open on his birth certificate because he was actually born in Kenya or Indonesia or something equally stupid and unfounded.

Anyway, this may have shut up a few dumbasses, but the important thing is that it allows us to use the power of astrology to see who Obama really is. Who’s the dumbass now?

I created the free chart through Chaos Astrology, which has no relation to I Heart Chaos whatsoever, and I actually didn’t even notice the name of the site until after I had the chart created. Weird, huh? The chart was created simply through whatever automated parameters Chaos Astrology has for making a chart. No human created this chart, had any bias in its creation or influenced the outcome of the chart in any way. I just put in his date, time and place of birth into the website and the site spit out a chart blindly, just based on whatever jiggery pokery it would use to automatically generate a chart for anyone else.

You can read the full chart here– the full damn thing– that’s about a dozen pages long. Or you can just skim through the highlights below. Frankly, i don’t give a crap what you think about astrology… we just report the news and by god, this is important news.

Sun in Leo
You are outgoing, overflowing, and very generous. Always the leader, if not the center of any group, you seldom fail to exhibit strong emotions. You are proud of yourself and of your accomplishments. Confident, you are warm of heart, gregarious, outspoken, and independent. Your enthusiasm is contagious, and others enjoy your company, especially when it comes to parties and social functions. It is your style to be a bit dramatic, perhaps even flamboyant, colourful and flashy. You contain a vital exuberance and warmth that springs forth naturally. This is the sign of personal sovereignty, of making a self-image and building self-esteem, so it is important to enhance your life through originality, creative efforts and flair. There should be a constant reaching upward to greater perfection. Sun in Leo is the ‘blaze of consciousness’, the force of personality, pride and fearless becoming - that which is done for its own sake, playfully and with pleasure. Leo energy is expressive, vital and exuberant. Often very artistic, and always theatrical and dramatic, this is the sign of creativity and the arts. Warm and big-hearted, Leo lives in full appreciation and celebration of the finer elements of life, bringing a dynamism and enthusiasm to everything it touches.

Moon in Gemini
You are at home where there is lots of communication, investigation and exploration. Fascinated by social interchange (and gossip too) you tend not to be too emotional. You are more detached and cerebral in your personal contacts, which, at its worst, emerges as emotional superficiality. You are versatile and love change immensely - variety is the spice of life for you. Thinking, writing, questioning and curiousity are your strong points, and you are happiest when you are spreading your attention, gathering data, and linking observations and ideas to create a meaningful scenario.

Mercury in Leo
You are dynamic and always expressive in thought and speech — dramatic. You appreciate your own ideas, and tend to be outgoing in speech and manner. Fresh. Warm. You put forth strong views and are hard to influence or change. Emotional and a good entert ainer, you are louder than average and tend to exaggerate. You are a lover. There are always plenty of tears and laughter.

Venus in Cancer
A home-based business would be ideal. You like to feel secure, and giving people a base of operations - something to connect with - is a where you could begin to foster a successful enterprise. You are nurturing of others and like to be taken care of, even mothered. You love music and can be very emotional. The Arts will appeal. In relationships you tend to be protective.

Mars in Virgo
You have an innate urge to save, salvage and conserve, and take the initiative when it comes to looking after the details of a project. You always want to help and to be of service - to have your talents fully utilised. You hate waste and are very thorough and precise. For the most part, you are understanding and accepting, but this can sometimes be perceived by others as criticism. You are a careful technician, good at finding practical solutions to problems.

Jupiter in Aquarius
A true progressive, especially in community or group work, you are democratic to the point of being radical. You are cool and impersonal when it comes to being fair or just, with a great interest in new trends and world affairs. Application-minded, luck comes to you through planning and being future-oriented.

Saturn in Capricorn
You have a tendency to avoid taking charge or responsibility and may need to accept a more disciplined and serious approach to life. Learn to enjoy hard work. Persevere. Learn how to manage. You may feel uncomfortable when in the public eye or may have a problem with ‘authority’. The solution here is to become an authority yourself.

Uranus in Leo
You have great insight into matters of personal freedom and creativity. You come up with brilliant ways to express, emote or act things out. New and non-traditional methods of lovemaking, child-rearing, and self-expression are important when it comes to asserting your individuality. You are outspoken, very dramatic and expressive.

Neptune in Scorpio
Unafraid of the darker side of life, you are attracted to the esoteric and everything mystical or occult. Sexuality and desires are encouraged, and seen as spiritual as well as physical needs to be fulfilled. Neptune placed here has an intuitive understanding of the deeper emotions and tends toward mediumistic or visionary talent.

Pluto in Virgo
You have great ability in the healing arts and in applying practical solutions, especially when it comes to caring for yourself and others. This is a primary source of inner growth and transformation for you. You are perhaps overly sensitive to criticism, and a bit radical when it comes to self-analysis, but you are also very effective when it comes to adapting yourself to outer circumstances.

Aquarius on the 1st House Cusp
Aquarius, the sign of humanitarian goals and altruism. Always impartial and nonsectarian, Aquarian energy is communal (even global). The focus is on the goal, and the goal is always one that is for the many and not the few. Thus this sign is connected to far-seeing visions, world views and group work of all kinds. This sign tends towards coolness, independence.

As exhibited, we can tell that Obama is… a politician. And that he probably has caused Michelle some hip issues by the fact that he bangs the shit out of her hard and often. If he becomes president, he will be highly inspirational and diplomatic, but not in any way rash. He has said that he would review all the major legislation pushed through by Bush to check for its constitutionality and this is reflected in his Taurus moon. He loves home, family and stability, but he also loves shaking other people up and changing other people’s minds about how things should work, as long as there’s always a steady foundation. He’s very passionate, very intense and is an incredibly hard worker. It says so in the stars.

Edit: Oops, yeah… Obama is a Leo, not a Sagg and has far less Scorpio than previously thought.  Grabbed the wrong thing.  But he’s still a tiger in the sack.