Playing the what-if casting game with Oliver Stone’s George W. biopic [Politics Suck]

George W. Bush
Timothy Bottoms

Oliver Stone, for some reason has Josh Brolin cast as W. Don’t get me wrong, I love Josh Brolin, but he seems a little I don’t know… intelligent for Bush. Timothy Bottoms should play Bush until his dying day– he was born for the role. Him or Dave Thomas. (of SCTV, not Wendy’s)

Stone has tapped Elizabeth Banks to play Laura “Crazy Eyes” Bush, but Elizabeth Banks just doesn’t have that batshit crazy, but quiet housewife thing. Cusack has plenty of experience playing crazy. It was a toss-up between her or Catherine O’Hara.

Forget the fact that the Bush twins aren’t identical or that they’re not Hispanic or that one is blonde while the other is brunette. That’s what hair color is for. Watch Grindhouse. Watch twins Elise and Elam Avellan beating the shit out of a car with a pair of shovels. Tell me you don’t want to see Barbara and Jenna Bush go on an ass-beating spree in the middle of the night.

He did George Bush Sr so well on Saturday Night Live, why not give him another go at it? It would certainly be better than Oliver Stone’s pick of James Cromwell.

Yes, Hal Holbrook is a fine actor. He was brilliant as Mark Twain. But he’s getting old and without the mustache, he looks like a little old lady. It happens to people. Oliver Stone has Ellen Burstyn playing the elder Bush matriarch, but Holbrook’s a much better actor.

As Bush’s brother, who better than Gary Busey? When you think of Jeb “Ol’ Horseteeth” Bush, you think of… teeth and zany and teeth. Ta da.

Oliver Stone has yet to cast anyone for the role of Cheney, and while my first pick was Wilford Brimley, when was reminded of the fact that Don Rickles already looks like Dick Cheney, I was also reminded that Rickles can also do maniacal crazy like Cheney, so it was a perfect fit.

Stone has cast Jeffrey Wright in the role of the Bush’s first Secretary of State, but eh… meh… no. Keith David may be a little more intense than Colin Powell, but just the thought of him in big ugly glasses and a suit or army uniform talking to the UN about yellowcake and Iraq, well it just seemed right. Paul Winfield would also make a great Powell.

Oliver Stone has Thandie Newton as Condi, which I have to say isnn’t a bad casting choice at all. But to up the ante, let’s think about a sexy sexpot Condi, always trying to score with George. Who better than Pam Grier? Or Rosario Dawson would also be an excellent choice. It’s a hard decision and it only comes down to Grier being older.

No one has yet to be cast for the role of the evil Rove, but Phillip Seymour Hoffman seems like a natural for the role– he’s already got the look and he’s got a solid history of playing mysterious evil geniuses.

It took a while to nail down our casting choice for Rummy, but when it was decided that Walken should play the role, it seemed silly that we would have ever considered anyone else. He can do the look, the hand gestures and the blunt, enigmatic way of speaking. There’s no other good alternative.

He’s more or less the right age, with a slightly youthful face and a cold, calculating demeanor. You have to imagine him in the high collared shirt yelling about how he won’t tolerate a bare-breasted statue of Justice to know how perfect this is.

Meat Loaf Aday is a bit bigger than Tom Ridge, the first secretary of Homeland Security, but he’s got a similiar face and demeanor. Lose a few pounds, give him some pomade and flesh out his eyebrows a bit and suddenly he just becomes the guy who demands– DEMANDS that passengers get a strip search before flying to grandma’s house.

For the role of Bush’s second Defense Secretary, you need someone who looks like they’re military, that they could have handled running the CIA and could say “Yes, it’s perfectly logical to continue to bomb the shit out of your country, it’s the best option, really.”
And you believe it.

As Bush’s third attorney general, Paul Giamatti is a natural choice. He can carry with him not only the kind of intensity that is required for the demanding job of keeping Bush lackeys in prominent legal posts but the lapdog, self-effacing underling thing.

The secretary of Homeland Security is a creepy position and Michael Chertoff is the stuff of nightmares. Fortunately, Malkovich has plenty of experience playing odd, nightmarish characters. And when he is really thin, Malkovich has the same kind of Dracula vibe that Chertoff exudes.

For the role of Bush’s brand new wunderkid Chief Justice, you need someone who appears wholesome and intelligent and with it, but that can say a lot without saying anything at all, though it doesn’t matter since there probably won’t being any lines for him. So there’s a new garage for you Liev, have fun.

The brilliant actress who became a household name from The Golden Girls and the classic Stop or My Mom Will Shoot still has some life left in her– slather her bony ass up in mascara and a bad hound dog haircut and she’s got just what it takes for a cameo as Bush’s horribly failed Supreme Court nominee.

Filling the role of Ari Fleischer was a hard choice, since there were so many good possibilities. But in the end, it came down to– who looks the most like the soulless Fleischer while maintaining an odd air about him that there’s that possibility that he’s from another planet entirely. Brent Spiner.

It’s tough being the White House Press Secretary– having to be a bald-faced liar for the president while the press asks you silly questions like “So how are things going in Iraq?” Tom Arnold has the face, the physique and the annoying personality.

For the role of Fox radio host turned Bush court jester, there’s no other choice other than John Laroquette– he’s already got the look, the height, the hair, the ability to completely sound like a lying used car salesman when he talks to you and he could really use the work.

As Bush’s latest Press Secretary, Kelly Ripa has all the qualities– she’s blonde, she smiles a lot and she’ll say whatever the hell is on the teleprompter for the right price. Totally!

As soon as Bernanke took over as the Chairman of the Fed, I instantly thought– damn he looks like that guy– what’s his name, he was in a bunch of Muppet movies and Larry Sanders and Girl, Interrupted and… some other stuff. Jeffrey Tambor! Yeah that guy.

Oliver Stone has already cast Ionn Gruffidd as former British Prime Minister and Bush BFF Tony Blair. Too serious. How about Martin Short, with oversized rubber ears running around shouting “Oh dear, bloody hell, god damn I spilled my tea!”

As Bush’s other new best friend, Tobin Bell has the kind of ex-KGB homicidal creepiness that Putin is so careful to cultivate. And he’ll put your head in a fucking bear trap if you disagree.

For whatever reason, casting Al Gore was hell. Sheer hell. Need someone that’s wooden, but that can actually act and can carry a quiet intensity. And someone who is willing to say stuff like “C’mon guys, you’ve got to believe me, I’m super serial!” I feel Alec Baldwin is that man.

Nic Cage is no stranger to cameo appearances and he’s no fan of Bush, so there’s no reason that he would turn down the opportunity to lend his horse face to play the ghoulish equine of the Democratic party, John Kerry.

If Giuliani has anything going for him, it’s looking like Nosferatu. If Dafoe has done one good role (which he’s done like several dozen), it’s playing Max Schreck playing Nosferatu. So just more of that, only in a dark blue suit.

Why bother to use actual Asian actors when you can get Hispanic actors for cheaper? And you may see the mustache and think “Why bin Laden? Why not Hussein if you’re going to go that route?” Basically because Saddam Hussein is a pussy and Danny Trejo is no pussy. Danny Trejo is not the man to sit in a big palace getting fed lies. He’s the guy out there on horseback in the mountains with a machine gun and a machete fucking people up personally.

So you’re asking… why the hell would you cast Rip Torn as Saddam Hussein? Because Rip Torn has the face that once you put it behind a giant mustache, dark sunglasses and a beret just screams “I’m a nasty dictator who may or may not have WMDs but I’m just sitting here waiting to get bombed.” Run it through Photoshop and try it, it’s uncanny.

Really the only role Cindy Sheehan will have onscreen in a George W. biopic is standing outside the White House screaming in between scenes, and former Kids in the Hall star hasn’t done enough lately. So the thought of him in drag, screaming outside the mansion with a protest sign is just comedy gold.

As the brave young football player turned Army Ranger turned hero turned not quite as heroic, but still cool guy, who else but the Muscles from Brussels– the guy that so convincingly brought Guile to life in Street Fighter: The Movie?
He’ll kick every single terrorist in the balls.

Why? Because Eddie Deezen should be in more movies. And he’s at his best running around all frantic and geeky. And it would be funny as hell.

Why? Because at some point, the movie will need some fictional advisor to say things that the writers want to say or didn’t actually even remotely happen. Or just someone to step in and say the one line “Mr. President, you can’t be fucking serious.” So why not Brian Cox? He’s played the role so many times before.