How To: Cheat a drug test [How To]

At some point in your life, you either have had or will have to take a drug test for a job.  It’s just how things are and you can probably blame Nancy Reagan.  The backs of magazines like High Times are chock full of ads touting products that you can use to beat drug tests– from pills to tablets you drop in your urine to fake piss-filled penises.  But do any of them work?

Back in college, I tried and failed to beat a drug test using some sort of quick-dissolve tablets that I dropped in my still-warm urine that was guaranteed to cover up THC.  And it did, but I still failed the drug test because I was unware that many places also test for anything in the urine that might be masking or blocking their ability to detect drugs like THC.  So that was a waste of money.

Fortunately, the Wired Wiki has the comprehensive guide to beating a drug test.  A few helpful tips:

1. Be aware there is no “magic formula” which can instantly “cleanse your system”. Many products will claim to aid in passing a drug test, but none have been shown to be particularly effective.
2. Avoid using any drugs or being around others consuming drugs at least 48 hours before your deadline, a week if possible. In general, the longer the better. Your first line of defense is always abstinence.
3. For at least (2) days prior to the day of your deadline consume a minimum of (6) 16 ounce glasses of water per day. Water is a catalyst to the body’s natural detoxification process. Drinking water will help to flush drug metabolites out of your body, especially when combined with healthy eating and exercise habits. Just keep some water by you and sip on it all day long. You can drink several glasses this way without having to drink the water all at once.
4. Exercise the week leading up to your deadline. Aerobic exercise raises your metabolism which assists greatly in the detoxification process. Exercise every day up to 48 hours before your drug test. To burn the metabolite-containing fat cells, exercise regularly every day (twice a day for 30 to 60 minutes if possible). Be active. Climb the stairs at work. Walk the dogs for an extra hour. Stand at your desk. Walk to the corner store instead of driving. Do whatever it takes to burn the fat and boost your metabolism - but do NOT diet. On the other hand don’t gorge. (We’re trying to burn fat, remember). It’s much better to eat often than to overeat at any one sitting. Anyone who has ever stuffed themselves knows that they certainly don’t feel a big boost of energy afterwards. Eat things that give you energy, but avoid excesses of quick metabolism boosters such as coffee, sugar and Red Bull. Especially when taken in large quantities, these will be consumed by the body quickly and lead your metabolism to ‘crash’ as soon as the sugar and caffeine runs out. You want to keep your body metabolism at a steady, hearty pace all day long.
5. Incorporate a healthy diet the week prior to your personal deadline. High fat foods, greasy foods (particularly butters, cream sauces, and fried foods) and junk foods have been shown to slow the detoxification process. Eat fiber, carbohydrates, vegetables and foods high in protein as normal. Do NOT skip breakfast. Eat often throughout the day, but avoid eating late at night when your body has nothing to do with those extra calories other than store them as fat. Do NOT go on a crash diet to burn fat. When you diet your body panics because it thinks you’re starving. Your metabolism will drop and your body will hold on to those fat cells even tighter than before.
6. Consume only light meals the day of your personal deadline.
7. Avoid alcoholic beverages, over the counter drugs and unnecessary medications.
8. Maintaining Creatinine Levels is a Key. THIS IS REAL IMPORTANT STUFF: Creatinine is a natural protein created by the body and is usually excreted in the urine at fairly constant concentrations. When the urine is diluted by frequent urination and extra hydration, the creatinine level in the urine will drop. Creatinine levels are tested for in labs and a low creatinine level may indicate to the lab that you have attempted to flush your system of drugs. If the product does not reestablish your normal balance, including Creatinine, any drug test kit can tell the tester you have tried to mask the results. You could be ordered to do a retest. A retest might return a negative, but your use could still be in question with your employer. This is why drinking the right amount of water and taking our PreCleanse capsules is critical before your analysis to flush the unwanted metabolites from the fatty tissue. You then take our products and flush the metabolites from your system for a four hour period and then these products reestablish the normal and natural balance for that same period of time. All ingredients are all natural and can not be detected under any circumstances. Any samples taken within this 5 hour window will show negative.

Don’t just take these tips and run with them… read the whole thing to get a good picture of what your chances are of fooling science.