Huckabee is Rapture Ready®, but is that what’s best for the country? [Politics Suck]

Of all the candidates running for president this year, Mike Huckabee is by far the most ready for the inevitable second coming of Jesus. Mitt Romney may be a devout Mormon, Obama may have done some great things in his community, but only Huckabee is actually born again. So when the Rapture happens, I’m not likely to get sucked up as are most Americans. So for the huge majority of this country who will be left behind, do we really want a president who will disappear into thin air during his morning constitutional? I think not.

Day 35 of the Huckabee presidency

After hosting the Israeli prime minister, President Huckabee initiates sweeping reforms to give all young children free ponies and candy. This is well received by one hundred percent of the population.

Day 42 of the Huckabee presidency

On a brisk March morning, the clouds above Washington DC part and Jesus of Nazareth descends from the sky, taking with him the chosen Jews and the born again, including President Huckabee.

Day 42.5 of the Huckabee presidency

Amid the confusion, it’s noticed that Vice President Ric Flair and Secretary of State Chuck Norris have also gone missing with the second coming. Nancy Pelosi is quickly sworn into the Oval Office. Democratic supporters of Hillary Clinton who felt miffed at losing the White House rejoice in the streets among missing cars and general pandemonium. With the lack of Jews in Israel, Palestinians are seen on TV dancing in the streets and burning shops.

Day 1 of the Pelosi presidency

Pelosi rolls back the A Pony and Some Candy legislation, appoints John Edwards as her new VP and declares that the US will be selling off the mostly decimated southeast back to Spain.

Day 2 of the Pelosi presidency

Most people may not have noticed the lack of Bible-thumpers had the president not been taken as well. Everyone laments that Fred Phelps is still around and he’s soon seen on a street corner in DC with his flock holding signs that read “God is a Fag”. CNN, MSNBC and Fox deny coverage of much more pressing issues of the day to wonder aloud why Britney Spears was presumably taken up with our Lord but Bob Jones III was not. In a CNN poll, most viewers vote that they have no idea of someone they know has been taken.

Day 3 of the Pelosi presidency

On Larry King Live, Tom Cruise announces that his daughter, Suri is the Antichrist and will be taking control of Earth immediately. Larry King laughs this off, but within minutes Scientologists have swarmed the White House, quickly overpowering the military and Secret Service with their superior firepower and mind control techniques.

Day 1 of the Suri Cruise world dictatorship

Tom and Suri Cruise broadcast globally that Suri is shutting down the UN and will be taking control of all world governments. Hugo Chavez surprisingly welcomes his new infant Scientologist overlord, but Pope Benedict, who is oddly still on Earth, vows to fight the Suri menace with every last Swiss troop at his disposal.

Day 1.5 of the Suri Cruise world dictatorship

Russia announces it will combat the threat of a Suri Cruise world dictatorship by firing its entire remaining arsenal at the US. Through her father, Tom, Suri Cruise double dog dares Russia to shoot and tells Russia that the US will unleash its entire arsenal on Russia in kind and calls Putin’s mother a dirty borscht eating whore. Russia does not hesitate to unleash its full fury of outdated nuclear arsenal on the US. America does indeed its own arsenal not only against Russia but China, Mongolia, India, Pakistan, Iran and Canada as well.

Day 2 of the Suri Cruise world dictatorship

It’s revealed that Suri Cruise had been broadcasting from a super-secret, super-fortified Scientology base inside an Indonesian volcano. With Moscow completely helpless, Suri Cruise rolls into Red Square atop a tank and takes control of the largest nation on Earth.

Day 3 of the Suri Cruise world dictatorship

Suri Cruise uses the hysteria of the Rapture and the destruction of the US to send troops into every corner of Europe and the Middle East. France quickly surrenders, but as promised, the Vatican fights tooth and nail, somehow managing to stave off the Scientological attackers when much larger nations have fallen. Suri vows to strangle the Vatican into submission.

Day 4 of the Suri Cruise world dictatorship

The rest of the world falls under the small pink thumb of Suri Cruise, but the Vatican continues to fight. Japanese underground resistance unleashes armies of robots to fight the Satanic horde…

This is what will happen if you, America put Huckabee in the White House. What we need is not a godly man, but a sinner like Hillary Clinton or the son of an atheist like Barack Obama or an evil Mormon like Mitt Romney. Make your choice wisely, America.