Six Actors Who Have No Business Being an Action Hero

With Hollywood as superhero and action hero obsessed as it is lately, there have been lots of actors who have gotten to live out their dream of diversifying their roles and getting to be the swashbuckling, cape wearing action hero. Some of them, like Toby Macguire, Michael Keaton and maybe even Robert Downey Jr. are surprising, but good choices. Others… well… it could have gone much better. In no particular order, here are the six…

Nicolas Cage

Why is he just not an action hero: If he went consistently by “Nic Cage”, he might be at least a basis for a decent superhero and it’s cool that he’s such a comic book geek, but sorry Nic, you’ve got only a few faces and they’re all better used for things like stealing your stolen baby back from convicts or being sloppy drunk in the bosom of Elizabeth Shue. Everyone loved you in Raising Arizona, Peggy Sue Got Married and Leaving Las Vegas, but that doesn’t translate into being Ghost Rider. At least thank God someone else got the Superman role.

Evidence: Ghost Rider. Action heroes always get stupid lines, but nothing kills the mood like deadpan delivery.

Instead: Please please please go back to playing funny, quirky and strange roles.

Ben Affleck

Why is he just not an action hero: He’s got the chin, he’s got the squinty “I’m really seriously gonna kick your ass” eyes, but he would make a much better villain than an action hero or superhero. With a date rapist sort of je ne sais quois, he might be really great as a Bond super villain or for any movie where George Clooney isn’t available.

Evidence: Daredevil. I’m sure they needed somebody and maybe Chris Tucker was busy.

Instead: Keep doing movies with Kevin Smith and Matt Damon, pick up some more hunk roles, but leave the leather bodysuits alone.

Sandra Bullock

Why is she just not an action hero: She shares this list with her co-star from Speed, though she wasn’t the action hero in that movie, just the token screaming heroine. But then she tried again in Speed 2 and one of the worst movies ever was born. Now, rumors abound about the possibility of Sandra Bullock filling out Wonder Woman’s suit in a possible upcoming DC Comics movie and there’s something that’s just very wrong about that.

Evidence: Other than a couple quasi-action hero roles in Speed 2 and Miss Congeniality, no solid evidence yet, but I’m pretty sure that Sandra Bullock is no Linda Carter.

Instead: There will always be plenty of romantic comedies. Keep doing that.

Keanu Reeves

Why is he just not an action hero: I don’t care that he was in the Matrix or Speed. They both sucked. Yes, they did. The Matrix, too. Stop reading here if you’re too pissed off to see straight. Keanu Reeves wasn’t the reason the Matrix sucked, but it didn’t help. He’s still Ted Logan. no matter what size black leather trench coat you put him in. Ever since Speed, he seems to think he’s the next Steve McQueen, but it just ain’t so. He’s also not Buddha. Whoa.

Evidence: Speed, the Matrix, Constantine

Instead: For the love of all that is holy, get back together with Alex Winters and George Carlin and do another Bill and Ted movie. It doesn’t matter that your agent thinks it will ruin your career. He’s a douche– fire him. And then restart your career doing I don’t know… romantic comedies, quirky character pieces or something.

John Travolta

Why is he just not an action hero: He’s just not. He was great in just about everything until the post-Pulp Fiction era. Quentin Tarantino cast him as a goofy hitman and suddenly Hollywood thought he was a leading action star. He only worked in Pulp Fiction because the role called for him to be a goofy, out of shape, out of touch assassin. That only works once.

Evidence: Broken Arrow, Face Off, Swordfish, Battlefield Earth etc etc

Instead: Sing, dance, do another Look Who’s Talking movie, see what Tarantino’s up to… anything but being an action hero or an action movie villain.

Shaquille O’Neal (also Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Charles Barkley and Dennis Rodman)

Why they’re just not action heroes: I’m sure there have been athletes who have become successful and engaging actors, but I can’t think of any right now and if there were any, they certainly didn’t come from the NBA. At least musicians seem to do a decent job in front of the camera most of the time. Oh, wait. Andre the Giant was a pretty good actor for what it’s worth. I guess he’s an athlete. Well, that’s one at least.

Evidence: Steel, Space Jam, Double Team

Instead: Play basketball, sell underwear and Gatorade.

Other notable non-action heroes:
Charlize Theron, Sean William Scott, Drew Barrymore, Steven Seagal, The Rock