80s Teen Movies vs. 2k Teen Movies Deathmatch!!

80s teen movies were iconic… Goonies, Back to the Future, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller. Since the dawn of the 21st century, teen movies have been pretty pink pop fluff with no substance. But who would win in a cage match to the death?

Round One: Karate Kid vs. High School Musical

Rundown: Let’s start this off with an absolute ass beating. This is an absolute no-brainer. Look at those pretty, nancy rich kid Mousketeers on the right. They can sing, they can dance, they puke their guts out at a kegger and get into all the best schools, but Daniel LaRusso is not only an experienced fighter, but has deathmatch experience. His only weakness is that he has shown that when he brings the crane kick of pain, he’s too much of a pussy to understand what a match to the death means. So while he would certainly bash every one of those kid’s heads in, he would let them live to shrill another day.

Match highlights: Ralph Macchio removing Zac Efron’s eyes with a single toe while deftly balancing on Ashley Tisdale’s head. Mr. Miyagi nods in approval.

Winner: The Karate Kid in 0:00:45

Rundown: Okay, so Not another Teen Movie was actually pretty funny in parts and in 2000, it nailed the tween movie stereotypes of the late 90’s… and while most of the time this kind of spot-on parody can cause Hollywood to go in a different direction, this just seemed to fuel the need to make more awful soap opera cotton candy teen movies. So it must die, and Marty McFly must be the one to do it– to be the King Arthur to destroy the bane of decent movie making once and for all.

Match highlights: After being called a chicken, Marty McFly goes into a homicidal rage on Jake Wyler (and thereby Freddie Prinze, Jr.), spilling the jock’s spleen with one swipe of a hoverboard.

Winner: Back to the Future in 0:02:30

Rundown: So these girls thing they’re mean because they can be bitches to a cute, preppy home-schooled Lindsay Lohan? Please. They’re up against some of most bad ass pre-pubescent adventures that ever lived. And the Goonies have Data… and Sloth on their side, so if these mean girls want to really piss someone off, how about a dungeon raised seven foot tall mutant?

Match highlights: Chunk convinces Sloth that Rachel McAdams is hiding a Baby Ruth bar in her shoe– hilarity ensues.

Winner: The Goonies in 0:04:15

Rundown: The advantage that most of the teen movies of today have is that they’re full of scantily clad hotness, which can count for something in certain occasions and Bring it On is no exception. Though Molly Ringwald should provide some stiff competition against the likes of Eliza Dushku and Kirsten Dunst, making it an all-out cat fight, with Anthony Michael Hall screeching and pulling hair as good as any of them out there

Match highlights: Eliza Dushku bites off Anthony Michael Hall’s nipples and reinserts them via his ear canal.

Winner: Sadly, Bring it On in 0:02:34. Physically, cheerleaders are no match for the Nerd.

Rundown: This one may look pretty unfair, and it is. Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez alone could trounce Amanda Bynes and whatever sort of posse she could muster, even with her character’s high-powered dad. But any movie that’s based on the name of a Christina Aguilera song deserves to be dealt with in the harshest fashion.

Match highlights: After incapacitating Oliver James with a makeshift ball point pen weapon, Judd Nelson locks Amanda Bynes in a rat-infested janitor’s closet just for kicks.

Winner: The Breakfast Club in 0:08:55

Rundown: Anthony Michael Hall makes a third showing, though after the injuries he suffers against those cheerleaders, it’s only Ilan Michael Smith and Kelly LeBrock versus Jake Gyllenhaal in a plastic bubble. That plastic bubble may look fragile, but it’s endured quite a beating before and it will definitely take some science to penetrate Gyllenhaal.

Match highlights: Ilan Smith gets trampled by Jake Gyllenhaal like a PogoBall. However with both geeks out of the running, Kelly LeBrock disappears into thin air, making it impossible to use her irresistable siren call.

Winner: Draw

Rundown: It’s Chicago versus New York in the last bout of the night. Ferris Bueller, the mack slacker versus Devon the drum whiz. The under versus the over acheiver. However, it’s still to be seen whether Ferris will even bother to show up for this one, since he may have quite a fight on his hands.

Match highlights: Ferris does show up and is repeatedly stabbed in the abdomen with a drumstick while the strains of I Believe I Can Fly play in the background, but manages to convince Devon that it’s really not in the best interests of his academic career to kill him.

Winner: Drumline by decision in 0:09:12